Endings

The ex was supposed to close today but didn't. Still no word on when that closing will take place, so that means no word on when mine will take place. My lawyer goes on vacation next week and is upset that I want the closing to take place then. I can't trust that my mortgage person won't work in her best interests as opposed to mine which means I will move in a day or two before leaving for Italy. I'm so anxiety-ridden, I took a sick day and walked around the house looking at the impossibility of any of this working out. But I know it will. I'll go back to saying I have faith that it will work out.

There is an unnerving consequence to splitting up property and moving on, not that I've ever done it before. It makes you very mercantile. Suddenly you need a new set of flatware, or a toaster oven, or rugs, or on and on. The problem is that it's the worst time to spend money. You know once you sit down in the lawyer's office and start signing your name and initials on 58 pages of mortgage documents that the vacuum has already been hooked up to your bank account and you can almost hear the sucking sound.

My son asked me for some financial help yesterday and I had to say no. And I had to say, my life has changed. I no longer live in a two income household. I caught myself off guard. That means I can't help my kids when they need help; it means I have to balance my checkbook, it means I must concentrate on saving as much money as I can before I'm able to retire at the age of 80. It means I can't fly to NM to see my granddaughter anytime I want (not that I've ever been able to). It means occasionally I may have to rely on a friend and that to me would be the most difficult. My self-sufficiency seems like one of my strongest traits. At least that is what I like to tell myself. I stay self-sufficient by staying home and minding my own business. If you threw me out of a plane in a foreign land, I'd probably curl up in a ball and die.

Even though I know the end is in sight, it still feels as though I will never move from here. It's my own little existential play. I live in a labyrinth with no exit.

To make matters worse, the ex and I are having email arguments. I know it's the tension of this week but it's more than that. It's making me reflect on the whole relationship, everything ever expected of me. What I did right, what I did wrong. What went wrong. It's giving me the strangest dreams, dreams of my life far back in time. I wake up exhausted and with a nervous stomach.

So the end is in sight. I know that. And it means more that just closing on a house and moving. To put a positive spin on it, it means creating something new. It means a life filled with opportunities. Bella Italia, Ollie, a new year that I am looking forward to with relish. Perhaps more new friends, creativity, an organized home, CLOSETS, beauty, company, lots of great meals, game night, knit night, laughter and maybe I'll even regain my sense of humor. It won't necessarily be Family Fun, just a new and different type of fun.